Do you wish then that the gods had made me poetical?

AUDREY
I do not know what 'poetical' is: is it honest indeed and word? is it a true thing?

Its been fairly interesting time. Once I reached level 71 on Paladin, I sought out to complete my Savage Blade quest. I did join a couple of XP parties, but my heart wasn't truely with it. (There are some days when I spend literally 8 hours of seeking without party and other days, I login, and get an invite in 2 seconds.) And many people still demand to XP only in the new areas on those awful Imps and flys. Those areas are still over camped and require very cut-throat and often dangerous activites.

One day I just log in and I immediatly was begged to join one party that went okay, except for the mathmatician who was offended by the lack of efficiency I already wrote about. He refused to do any skillchain so I had to join in..something I hate doing simply cause I have to spend my time on paladin checking recast timers and counting down when I need to do my next hate event. The white mage in the group was amazinly good.. even tried to recruit her for my godshell. But whats really funny about the area is that every replacement tends to pull in an imp by default..since you can't help but agro them.

Last night I was asked to join a party in the same spot, and there was a red mage in party I had history with. This red mage made a really bad party for the Tree that had only one sleeper when we tried to kill crawlers--herself. Of course.. one pull and she was resisted and died fast; party wipe. Everyone in the party except the two of us left, so we head to Bibiki Bay...after a huge amount of time of doing nothing...and she invited an unpredicable summoner and a monk who wore grear 15-40 levels lower than himself...who was afk the whole time (yes.. I know.. I'm not a "gear monger" but with that bad of gear for a monk...he would have taken huge damage every time he got hate, and monks got hate a lot). Ultimatly.. seeing what kind of setup she made..and the xp leech... I left and solo'd my level. She was not happy about me. WELL.. we went to the new area to XP on Imps. We arrive at camp, but there was an Imp in the way..so I went around it...and she didn't...the party wipse. The RDM who was there came to raise, but she refused a raise 1, but ended up home pointing and disbanding. I know we were in a party between that went okay, but I have no idea what lead to that. In all honesty, I have no hard feelings for this person.. I wouldn't be suprised if she had some for me, but I wish her well.

The person who replaced her was a ninja...and this guy made me wonder if I had yet another person who hated me. Having two tanks is always a question mark, so I sent several tells to see if he wanted to tank full, part time or what not. Not only did I not get any response...the guy didn't respond to anything I said. I never blacklisted the person, so I can only assume.. he either blacklisted me or just plain didn't like me. Hehe.. and the multicoloured idea comes down as to what the heck did I ever do to this person. I'm not even sure if I did anything, but.. its just hard to really care. What can I do but apologize, yet such an apology couldn't be heard.

This in retrospect is interesting for me because I've been on the other side too many times. Blacklisting people is one way to make it easier to deal with things. Someone shouting spams, someone harrassing you on any reason ("Teleport me", "Your shihei are overpriced", etc), or being disrespectful in a sexual, rude, or profane way. And, of course.. in response to an action that might make me angry, like stealing a mob or whatever. I have had to do this on all occasions. A couple times I've had very odd comments that turned out to be a misunderstanding; however, the act of blacklisting this person made them really mad at me and used all sorts of tricks to harrass me. Which was almost a self fulfilling prophecy. I want to believe I did these with justification. Even still, I've given many people a second or third chance.

Well.. whatever will be, I will accept. Things are not cut and dry, but I can try to be honest.

We are now operating at 70% efficiency Captain

I have a distinct memory when I first started the game attending an xp party with the Tarutaru "Psychotic" and getting..um.."The look"... because I ruined every skillchain and randomly did weaponskills and couldn't understand more than half of what people were talking about. It was funny, considering I met him again later when I understood things, and he thought I was a good player. But back then, I couldn't understand weapon skills, I never had neck gear, or earings or anything other than basic armor. Not that I had no gil.. I just didn't understand it.

Now.. I do understand how things work. I can look at a few different weapons and make a decision.. I like this one over that one; or this has this advantage but that has another advantage. Or this piece of gear will give more MP but that gear will increase my attacks but that gear will increase my cure potency. There are so many possible permutations that to know the "most optimal" method for anything is a matter of testing, calculating and then analyzing the reports. Of course.. the other method... is to just.. try it and see if you like it while you play. And of course..there's personal preference. Somethings are just hard to compare against another when it comes down to brass tax, so the choice comes down to the user. And of course, the most expensive items tend to be the items that the most people decided was important to have in order to get the most results, so the additional choices include price as well as which aspect of your job you want to boost.

What I am slowing discovering is that there are in fact people who spend a great deal of time not playing the game but actually collecting data, parsing that information, and working on reports. I actually had someone say "we are 70% less effective now that I am using this Great Axe instead of the two normal axes." That said not only he had the ability to make that determination, but also it meant.. it was important to him. In another occasion as a white mage, the ninja tank examined me several times and gave me the comment "I've seen Galka with more MP than you have."

So I suppose the question is... can people enjoy a game like this at the same time as these "100% efficency please" people? I have had efficent and horribly INefficent parties both that were a fun place to be a member. At no point did I ever think or comment that "If I had extra 2 INT points, my MB would be better by 2%" but.. obviously others do exactly that. And it results in people pressuring others to obtain equipment and items that are horribly expensive. I went through that a lot as white mage, and I ended up stopping it entirely for a long time in order to obtain a fraction of what people told me I needed. But when I ran into the same thing as RDM, I completly rebeled against it. I will NOT be pressured by anyone to do anything.. except have fun. I'm sure people will grit their teeth that I have less equipment or wearing the "wrong" earing, but I am far from careing anymore.

I am kitty... I don't need a calculator to tell me if I am having fun.

Live And Let Die

There have always been XP camps I hated; many I could NOT believe. The Tree always fustrated me, not only because you had to sneak past hordes of linking agressive monsters, but that there were magically aggressive elementals around every corner as well. I almost imagined that I had to hold my breath as I ran past all these things, knowing full well that if you were unlucky, you're hiding would fail and you were a gonner. But even worse.. actually xping on a spawn point where elementals popped knowing you could get one shotted at any moment.

Well.. the new areas made the tree less popular, which can be both good and bad. A certain level of activity means that the mobs will not be so thick as to make pulling impossible, but enough to keep everyones XP-Chains going strong. Yet even the new areas have similar problems when it takes nearly a stack of powders/oils to get anywhere. And what the real question is.. what do you do when you do get unlucky..and loose sneak at the wrong time, or pass by that true sight monster deep in enemy territory? I did that last night.. I found myself near... soo many NM I could not believe it, and that was the time when sneak fails. I run to a spot I could think might be easier to raise from, but ended up too close to everything, and had to home point. And of course.. I got lots of complaints about having to wait for me to chocobo back.. A couple others died as well, yet were a bit luckier, even though we had to spend a great deal of time waiting to have a chance to raise them. We even agro'd a mob that saw through invisible and sneak (I'm thinking..maybe smell, but can't be sure) but we were able to beat it soundly. Eventually, we decided to reform and go to a new spot where we managed to earn about 13k xp.

Really.. the death and home pointing annoyed me more than I wanted to admit. I have been working on goals and the loss was a bit painful. But when do you risk everything to raise people or when do you just cut your losses? I remember spending over two hours raising people inside the Aquiducts because we were by a bunch of undead and a true sight mob. But it was expect that I spend the time and do it. Maybe its not so important in the long run. Heaven knows I put my personal "xp" on the line a number of times. I guess there is a line when the ride is getting too important, and makes the loss sting a little. Ah well.. life of a video game junkie I suppose.

Life Of A Knight's Knight

I really think I've been spoiled by my classic view of what a "Paladin" is.. I know Final Fantasy has a video game standard for what a paladin is.. but the classic Arthurian Legend (well..also maybe a bit on Don Quixote too) is that a Paladin is a Knight's Knight. The Knight who is pure, pios, stalwart and brave to a fault. The whole fight between Lancelot and King Aurthor was one of those "I am better than anyone; therefore, I'll wait here, beat up everyone who comes by until I find someone who can beat me." (lol..itsa male world after all).

But still, I like the idea of a "Holy Knight." (One reason I made the angel wings... hehe... I'm my own holy kitty knight. I think if there were women Paladins, they'd have wings.) Holy avenger, curing people, blocking the way. And I'm having a lotta fun with it. In XP parties, I have a lot more to do than I did as WHM... probably less than I did as RDM... and I believe I'm doing a good job. I think about the every little thing that made me mad before.. like on links.. my job as tank to split my hate to make sure the sleepers stay alive. And I can actually keep hate...which..is hard sometimes; I can't say HOW MANY times as whm I died while the Paladin had FULL mp, and couldn't keep hate from a Tarutaru bard... Still, I am learning the fundamental differences between a blink and meat tank. I XP'd the first time past the Moongate (annoying.. I got the moongate pass, yet..hardly ever use it) and I was a huuuge MP sink. Everything...hurt. I suppose if we had a BLM for MB we could have chained faster, but those people I was with, including the WHM were all troopers. We had an okay session, but a fun party--which..I gotta say.. I'd rather have a FUN party than anything else.

But .. soloing...I'm having a fun time playing around with different things. I've discovered the fun of Phalanx (getting hit for Zero w/o stoneskin.. is fuuun) and stoneskin. Paladins get a decient Enhancement Magic, but nothing on Enfeebling. It doesn't give me an answer against these meanie ants that keep casting Antient Magic on me.. but.. still.. better than nothing. Not exactly decided if I like the RDM or WHM sub best... lol... Now... DRK sub is just.. fun. Maybe it comes from my personal belief that Paladin is a holy job, subbing DRK is just a naughty thing to do...might explain why nobody but me gets the joke.. But I get both a nice attack boost to go with my defense boost, and double Killer traits. Althought.. I did end up hitting so much with souleater I agro'd undead..but..you get the picture.

Ah well. Its all good.

Gregarious Non-Conformist Blues

"Heard joke once:
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.
Doctor says 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.
Man bursts into tears. Says 'But, doctor, I am pagliacci'".
--The Watchmen Graphi Novel

Depressing book--borrowed it from my brother. But it was almost greek in its writing; it had the elements you'd find from some of the classics... heck.. even Deux Ex Machina. But that joke always stuck with me. "Tears of a clown; when no ones around." Maybe people who know me will understand why this hits me so strongly.

It of course leads me to a Hopi saying that struck me even harder. "Walk in Beauty." Very universal idea; I've seen similar ideas in many cultures, including the Bible. Find the beauty in life and embrace it. I like to hope thats what people see me doing. I think about it alot, especially when I find my self in conflict.

I know that I am rather abberant about my behavior some times. There are times when I have been harsh about something or another; but even then I try to control my instincts. But everyone has their pet peaves. I for one... hate being condescended to. Which is a hard thing considering all the little immature boys on this server who go out of their way to be condescending to women. "Hey, babe, wanna party" is not the way to approach me. It may be as innocent as "nice weather today" but I'm sorry; the idiots have ruined the idea for me, and I no longer accept it. Of course "hey, you're hot" from one sprite to another sprite is the zenith of idiocy to me.

But there are occasions when people step on things sacred to me. Nobody likes to hear their heros maligned. Or when people get really discusting about their topics of conversations... like detailed descriptions of sexual acts or other random obscenities and vulgarities. I can do without all of them. In general terms, I will leave. Sometimes, I can't or at least.. would be very hard to leave. But I would rather just play the game and have FUN than sit around and debate people. Maybe if I was better at it than I am, but I just consider it a lost effort. Its just that after a long fight; they always feel like empiric victories to me.

Maybe fun is the lost art. Hehe.. I AM KITTY! I WILL HAVE FUN!