Postpartum Depression For Goals

I have finally made it once again. Level 75 on my 3rd Job, Red Mage. It took me quite a while, but considering I stopped leveling White Mage to level Red Mage, and then stopped leveling Red Mage to level Paladin: it is no doubt that I would have done this so close together. And now I have a popular job that I can use to earn merits for all three of my favored jobs.

This was one of my main goals that I had for some time now, and kept me logging in, and working past all the discouragements and set backs. And now that I have reached it; I've had a small bought of depression.

Its not really a suprising thing. I have been taught that in many management classes that the end of a goal often is met by depression and indecisiveness. This is often caused because of the fact that people tend to not think past the single large goal, and cannot think of what to do afterward. Other times, it is the lack of the adrenal rush that the struggle to reach a goal provides. I think the latter is what has happened to me.

I am planning and organzing my new goals for the future. I will rely heavily on my friends. And I will meyaou a lot.

Killing Deamon Bees

Who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams--this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all -- to see life as it is and not as it should be.
Miguel de Cervantes - Man of La Mancha

I was in the nest to skillup a bit, try out a few new things, and give Raka a chance to have fun. Unfortunatly, I was getting really board really fast. Raka's nice enough kitty, but lousy at conversations. But before I left, I saw the Demon Bee... forget the rest. It was something I've heard and read about, but never tried. Two gil signs popped in my eyes and in a rush of greed, I grabbed it and started killing. Well, for those who do not know, this bee in one kink in the tail to kill. It casts many spells and has the ability to cure itself of over 1k hit points at a time, sleepaga right through shadows and erase itself. The fight went on and on and on. I was a paladin at the time, and therefore I couldn't do much to it. And ultimatly, I decided to warp out (too many bees between me and the exit to have just run).

Later I went back as red mage and invited a beastmaster, and saw its end. But those kinds of fights left me thinking about the circular nature of things. There has been--yet again--things that have left me preoccupied. My thoughts are trouble over such things and I can't help but wonder if I'm spinning my wheels and doing the same things over and over again expecting a different result (the definition of madness by some philosphers, by the way).

But I think about what exactly has troubled me, and they are because I have invested a great deal of myself in other people. In different degrees, this is healthy and in others it is unhealthy. But I have in many ways done both, but all in the spirit of doing the right thing. I have dedicated myself to helping out my friends as well as giving some people "second chances" when it comes to certain things. And unfortunatly, they have had bad consequences. I must accept them as a the risk of what I was doing, and most importantly, I wish to learn from the experience.

I know I am being very unspecific, but I really do not blaim the factors in my little boughts of depression and anxiety. I only must think and rethink and think yet again about what I have done, and see how I can improve for the future.

I tend to go back to my old friend Don Quixote, the Man of La Mancha. This was a man who decided that he would not accept the world as it was, and create a world in his own mind as he thought it should be. At some point he met upon a prostitute that was accustomed to being treated so poorly by men that she could not believe Don Quixote when he pleaded with her to become his lady and fight for her honor. Before long, she even started believing him and accepting that she was in fact worth more than just some whore. Such madness is one I wish to have. The madness that changes the world to what it should be; its just that some days...it gets a little painful.

I shall endeavor.

Of Bastards and Angels

The main reason I keep playing is that there are too many bastards and too many angels online. One group I will not give the satisfaction; the other I can't say goodbye to. --Me

The great utpoian ideal has been cliche'd with the phrase "Can't we just all get along?" This is a concept that has been argued over since Plato and his great writings. Every culture has a different ideal. To them, I cannot say much; and even if I did, they all live different lives. I can only answer to myself.

My personal belief is that people can get along, but it is a pipe dream to believe that people will never have arguments. I suppose if we were all one hive mind and thought the same thoughts and did the same thing it would be possible. However, since we are all different with different brains, different thoughts and different ideals; we will forever leave ourselves open to disagreement. So how exactly do we then fulfill the ideals?

Well... I start thinking about what causes friction in the first place. I've been told by very experienced psychologists that anger is a secondary emotion; that is to say, you do not start out "angry" you become angry after a serious of other emotions and events. More specifically, anger often results from either anxiety (fear) or fustration. And once fear or fustration leads to anger; anger leads to feelings of resentment and even worse hate. Of course, there is also the other ideal of feelings of betrayal, both justified and unjustified.

So what makes people angry and become apart of the "bastard" quantity? I remember doing G2 for someone who I was trying very hard to cultivate, and make him a good player and carry with me as I leveled Red Mage. However, what ended up happening was.. he never listened. And simple requests, including "cast sneak on yourself" and "use an oil, you're right next to an elemental" and "cast paralyna on me" were too much. And in the end, nearly cost us a KO to his incompetence. I above all people know what it means to suffer from performance anxiety. I know for a fact that getting yelled at when anxious and messing up will make me mess up even grander and more fantastic ways. Yet I am ashamed to admit; I lost my temper. I told this person off, and even though we completed his run, I never spoke to him again. I think he still plays, but I never speak to him.

But I've been on the other end too. There was one occasion when I did a BCNM with a group who really asked me, as a whm, to do some very strange and unprecidented things; at least unprecidented to me. The tactics they wanted to use was really stupid, and in the end, we wiped. However, the blaim for everything came down to me. It became very close to me not being allowed to be raised--they were literally going to raise everyone but me, and leave me in that spot (something I've been told they do a lot, but I didn't know at the time). They were obviously mad at me, and held a huge grudge. They later were known to tell anyone who asked or listened that I was an idiot of the first order, and other such gems. This was a huge blow to me; not that I never get called names...its just.. for some reason...really hurt. To this day, the ring leader of that group is one to cause me instant hate. And I would refuse to do anything with or for this person, and have done so many times over.

I have to say, I do not enjoy even the idea of being hated. And I really do not like to hate. I meet people all the time who are just plain ugly in every word they use or their general demeanor. In these cases, I just try to blacklist and move on; just plain easier, and I just forget about them. The server is too big to really worry about it too much. However, there have been rare occasions when I actually ran into someone a second time. This particular person fustrated me in no end during the party I was in--he went afk constantly to the point when I had to solo a few monsters while he did heaven knows what. And he often complained about my objections to many things that happened, and after the party disbanded, he sent me tells telling me his opinion of me. I dont know about anyone else, but if people want to swear at me in tells, I will blacklist them in no time flat. But then a few weeks later, I was invited to a party that he was lead to, and I hadn't realized who he was until he couldn't invite me. I unblacklisted him, and in not time flat he started tearing into me yet again. Aparently he was in the new LS I had joined, and I had not realized it. He spent the whole time telling me how much he hated me. This was a bloody nightmare, and I ended it as fast as I could, and blacklisted him yet again. Like I said.. I do not enjoy such a thing.

All I can say is, I will try to give as many chances as I possibly can. I understand that people have different viewpoints and ideals. I just try to live with them. Because there are many angels out there in disguise. I have met so many of them, and I hope to be worthy of meeting them and insightful enough to recognize them in their own time.

Paw Full of Gil

Maturity: A stoic response to endless reality. -- Carrie Fisher

Why do I quote so much... I think I can blaime it on 17 years of accademics. I had to endure long years of "I don't believe you; find someone else to back up your assertions." The notion of which always irked me; there was nothing I could say that would be as valuable as someone else saying the exact same thing. So I quote now, not so much to back up what I say, but to be my own peanut gallery. Who knows...maybe someone will quote me some day.

Well... all quoting aside, I have been thinking a great deal about one thing: Gil. I have tried very hard to obtain equipment as I could through mini quests and NM and other such eventualities. Just last night I was finally able to get my Parade Gorget (THANK YOU MADNESS AND AELITA!!!). It only took 4/5 Goblin Drinks. However, there is no replacement for the Hauby or the Scorpion Harness, as well as many others. And as I am finding out in my CoP mission run, there's no replacement for those many things you consume every day.

Well-o-day. I know I cannot get gil with underhanded means. I know a few people who swear by buying gil, but that concept just annoys me to no end. Arguments aside, it simply is obscene to my senses to spend that kind of real money for such little fake money.

NM's and monsters are a pain and a half since any that are worth their troubles are camped to the point of obscenity. So that just leaves farming, and not turning my back on even things worth 1k gil each.

I do not believe I have lost any perspective on this, but it is a part of the game. In all honesty, I am glad the game has an economy; it helps many of the people playing learn a lot about it, even though they can't translate "random killing of monsters" to earn a living to real life. Finding ways to earn gil is important to be able to play. I am by no means at a loss for equipment. My pack-kitty ways have translated very well, and now I have several mules full of my gear. I buy armor in complete sets and now have practically every non AF armor I can in storage. I am almost curious how much gil I could make if I would just sell all that I have collected, but then I think--I'm just gonna turn around and use it and would have to buy it again.

In any event, I may end up trying to sell off some items. My choices for alchemy has not been as fruitful as I had hoped. But I am now leveling BST again, and I will be using those pieces of armor that I've been holding. Maybe I'll sell them off again afterward. We'll see.

Pushing In Line

They say that money talks, but the only thing it ever said to me was 'good-bye.'
--Blake Clark

There's a lotta fun things I've done since I've been playing. I've done a lotta..um.. things that made me nervous. A couple times that made me vomit... (nerves..dont ask). But what I think is very odd is the whole idea of "this is my spawn." This is inevidible when it comes to monsters that only pop once every so often in random locations and anyone has a chance to claim it. However, many monsters are forced to pop by people who have the occasion, a spawn point, and the item to release the monster. Therefore, there is no question who gets the Notorious Item Dropper; the system wont even allow it to be stolen.

The spawn point does not ever dissapear. Most of them are 15 min wait between each pop. Nobody can use the pop unless they have the pop item. And yet people still camp the spawn point as if it was a monster to claim.

I think I'm in the minority here. But in sky, there is generally an idea that people will take proper turns to pop Genbu or Brandishing Blade. However, if this same system is introduced in the normal areas, like the Parade Gorget, suddenly.. people get crazy. Its not as if its a new thing. There's the NM in Ulg. Temple that drops the special thread that is popped. There are the many NM in the Crawler's Nest to pop with rollenberries. There are many occasions just like this; and people seem to be capable of maintaining civility. Yet in this case...

Maybe I'm overthinking again. But when it comes down to it, I've never wanted anything that badly. You will never see me pushing in line at the store, or fighting with someone over the last $20 DVD player. I just can't bring myself to do the same in the game. And I can't help but wonder if there isn't a better way.

In any event... I've got my five goblin drinks...and hopefully, I'll be able to get this darn toy. It will be very helpful for my CoP missions. In the mean time.. I'll stand back a bit.

Meyaouing Goodbye

I'm so bored with it all. --Winston Churchill

I have been working a greatly on the Chains of Promethia missions, in an effort to unlock the ethereal world of Sea. In as much as Sky was such a dissapointment, I haven't really thought much about getting it. I mean, yeah, it has a lot of new activities and many people gather there; but the missions are a pain. And when it comes down to it, why do anything in this game unless you are doing it for the fun of it. I mean.. why put in butterflys in the game if they weren't intended to be chased? But on the weight of friendships, I have been talked into getting Sea not only in principle but in a short amount of time. This has been a difficult prospect, especially when it comes to paying for materials, and taking breaks. But so far so good.

Well, all missions aside, I have been progressing well enough on Red Mage. I'm not going as fast as I could given I am staticing, but that has never been my imperitive. I am progressing with my friend through the levels, the rest will come as it may. Such friends have been many during my time online, and hope to keep building more and more. I've started saying that the reason I am staying is that there are too many bastards and too many angels; both to defy and embrace.

I remember some of the first people I've known who quit; Artemez and Hyori both invited me over and over in parties, and they were the first people to really pay me many compliments. I kinda glowed when Hyori said I was a good player. They even helped me get my first G2 run (I remeber falling asleep after that during work, but I had to do it). But between the two of them, they took the time to give me advice and pointers that I still use now. I never had echo drops or oils on me at all times until then. And they're advice continues to be sound.

Of course, not many could grasp exactly how valuable this game has been to me in meeting new people, no matter how often I complain. There is a wealth of insecurities and disorders that are perfectly invisible when disguised with a wall of text. Yet, while it does hurt to see people go, it is very hard to say "don't go" when leaving the game is as good a decision as staying. So how do you say goodbye? Unfortunatly, about the best I could say is "Meyaou" and possibly "Thanks for all the Tuna." Still, saying goodbye is a common theme. And most importantly must include "Good Luck, Faith and Fortune for your Future." Finally, top it off with "Walk in beauty."

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation. --Anonymous

Sum, Ergo Cognito

"[The number one fear is public speaking; the number two is death! That means that people would rather be IN the coffin rather than give the eulogy.]"
--Jerry Sinfield, Paraphrased, HBO Performance "I'm telling you for the last time"

I really do not know when I started getting so cerebral. But I keep finding myself attracted to great thinkers of all time. The people who changed our world by not only their lives and study but by the actual process they used to find their own knowledge. Kepler was a great thinker that fought against the middle ages and its odd beliefs to realize the true nature of the solar system, not by blinding accepting or rejecting the current thought of the time but by testing it and challenging it and eventually finding the truth. My favorite, Sir Issac Newton, was an amazing figure that spent his whole life adding to mankinds knowledge and in the pursuit of that knowledge accidently invented calculus, a process he kept to himself until he published his work "Optics." And by all accounts of his writings and accounts of others, he lived in his head as much as I do and might have even suffered from mental illnesses.



Well, I wont claim to be a powerful philosopher or someone who will change anything except make people "meyaou" when they eat a tuna sandwhich. But I definatly live in my head a lot, and until I got this blog, I never had a chance to share it with anyone. lol.. We'll have to see if anything new or amazing changes. Today we still have the need to get up and talk about thinking about thinking; why do you think standup comics came to be, or day time talk shows.

Anyway, I've been spending new time with my fellowship NPC, and totally on a whim, I unlocked her body armor from the Holy Mail she had for a long time. I really was nostalgic about the armor, but it was getting old. I expected her to get back to the old low level armor again, but she kept appearing with better and better looking armor. Until, she showed up with.. a Nobel's Tunic. YAAAAAAAAAAAAY... and she didn't even havta join a godshell. I locked that right away. As painful as it was to get my own nobels tunic, it is a delight that mine now has it as well. lol.. I wanted to congradulate her but there's no menu option for it.

Of course.. I exist, therefore I will think...and think and think some more. I find it almost amusing that I've come to this circle. The real reason I came to play Final Fantasy (it was very nearly Everquest, but I'm a FF fan, so I'm here) was because I played the 4 part video game ".//hack" and really became enamoured with the idea of meeting people. And now that I'm in a game with the intention of meeting more and more people...I get...a computer controled person. hehe.. still.. it makes sense. My NPC has saved my tail on a number of occasions, and has done quiet well. But this is a short explaination to all those people I constantly harass online. I desire conversation like nothing else.



Still, the idea of being a profesional thinker is an attractive one. Heck, even Bruce Lee was a Philosopher. But it pays horribly. I have wondered if I ever met anyone who could not think. Thats why I occasionally shout out "Cognito ergo sum" and see if they dissapear. But thats really putting decartes before the horse.

Yes. I stole that joke. And I'll do it again. :P

Auld Lang Syne

"Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am someone who lives in their head a lot. lol..that just means, I am always thinking about one thing or another. Not exactly a bad thing nor a good thing; it just means that my thoughts are very often at the top of my mind. And when you think about something enough, you act on it. Of course, if I didn't do that, I would never have anything to write.

Now that I have achieved one goal, I am beginnig on yet another one, and creating five or six others at the same time. Of course, the whole XP grind lead my mind in directions I never thought it would go into. Last night I was in the exact same spot I was a few weeks back as Paladin in the exact spot that a new Mithra Paladin was; and I was the healer. It was kinda surreal; everything that I went through she was going through as well. But this time I was the healer and I tried to make sure I did everything that I wish my healers had done before; and it was noticed.

My Red Mage career has been an interesting one. I've found some birds that are perpetual XP machines on RDM. Using Daggers I could go on at full MP while spamming various spells, supplimented by Aspir and Energy Drain. Subbing Warrior, I was able to solo DC Goblins with.. some.. trouble, but it worked.

But my mind has been wondering a lot on different things; like "Useless" items such as my beautiful aqariums. They are very useless items, but I will never trade them. As a person who has difficulty defining her own value in the universe, I find value in many different people and things on their own merits. These fish are very pretty to look at and was not an easy thing to obtain. I have a sense of accomplishment and appreciation everytime I look at them.

Other things I have sought after; like the spelunker Hat. A very useless item that is a negative version of the Optical Hat. Yet, over time, I have been criticised over and over again by people about the gear I choose to use and not use. I would wear such a hat for the soul pleasure of making those very people angry. And the idea of obtaining such a treasure is an exciting one.

And what else is on my mind. People. I have met and greeted with so many people in my time on this game that I can never remember them all. I met two people a few days ago to help with their level break quests; I had never met them before and probably will never see them again. But for that time, we had a bit of fun. And there are people who I have a great deal of respect and admiration and affection for; they will forever be in my mind.

"I do not propose an ode to dejection"; I'm just saying "thank you" and "please bear with me." I laugh with people, argue with people; but formost I value people. And what is most, I live in my head an awful lot. It gets kinda crouded in here.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And days o' auld lang syne.