Killing Deamon Bees

Who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams--this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all -- to see life as it is and not as it should be.
Miguel de Cervantes - Man of La Mancha

I was in the nest to skillup a bit, try out a few new things, and give Raka a chance to have fun. Unfortunatly, I was getting really board really fast. Raka's nice enough kitty, but lousy at conversations. But before I left, I saw the Demon Bee... forget the rest. It was something I've heard and read about, but never tried. Two gil signs popped in my eyes and in a rush of greed, I grabbed it and started killing. Well, for those who do not know, this bee in one kink in the tail to kill. It casts many spells and has the ability to cure itself of over 1k hit points at a time, sleepaga right through shadows and erase itself. The fight went on and on and on. I was a paladin at the time, and therefore I couldn't do much to it. And ultimatly, I decided to warp out (too many bees between me and the exit to have just run).

Later I went back as red mage and invited a beastmaster, and saw its end. But those kinds of fights left me thinking about the circular nature of things. There has been--yet again--things that have left me preoccupied. My thoughts are trouble over such things and I can't help but wonder if I'm spinning my wheels and doing the same things over and over again expecting a different result (the definition of madness by some philosphers, by the way).

But I think about what exactly has troubled me, and they are because I have invested a great deal of myself in other people. In different degrees, this is healthy and in others it is unhealthy. But I have in many ways done both, but all in the spirit of doing the right thing. I have dedicated myself to helping out my friends as well as giving some people "second chances" when it comes to certain things. And unfortunatly, they have had bad consequences. I must accept them as a the risk of what I was doing, and most importantly, I wish to learn from the experience.

I know I am being very unspecific, but I really do not blaim the factors in my little boughts of depression and anxiety. I only must think and rethink and think yet again about what I have done, and see how I can improve for the future.

I tend to go back to my old friend Don Quixote, the Man of La Mancha. This was a man who decided that he would not accept the world as it was, and create a world in his own mind as he thought it should be. At some point he met upon a prostitute that was accustomed to being treated so poorly by men that she could not believe Don Quixote when he pleaded with her to become his lady and fight for her honor. Before long, she even started believing him and accepting that she was in fact worth more than just some whore. Such madness is one I wish to have. The madness that changes the world to what it should be; its just that some days...it gets a little painful.

I shall endeavor.