Tempus Fugit

Shimatta Baka Me! -- Homer Simpson... after leaving a Japanese jail. Loosly translated as "D'oh!"

I have to wonder about how to spend time. I used to spend a lot of time trying to escape my problems. And what's funny is that in the end, that time I used to escape, I found the friends and eventually strength to overcome my problems. And now... I feel what the Greeks called "catharsis" or a clensing of the spirit. Its amazingly freeing.

I will never say that I am problem free. I will never say that I will ever grow up, for that matter. I will say that I am happy. And I have no regrets.

I say to friends who might actually read this: /hugs.

In the end. I give this:

/shout I AM KITTY!!! HEAR ME MEYAOU!!!!

Derth of Inspirations

"[if you can't figure out how to end a skit... you eat something, blow something up, or throw penguins in the air]"

---paraphrased anecdote attributed to Jim Henson by Brian Henson

I know I'm not a "stable" individual. I have many problems relating to something called "Attention Hyperactive Deficit Disorder" which is more or less a perminate caffeene buzz in your head when you are trying to sit still or pay attention to something. This has dogged me in just about everything I've tried to do, including reading, school, and well... even talking to people. (I've had more times than I care to admit had to have someone repeat what they just said because I was distracted by something "shiny" that took my attention away.) About the only thing that helps is the standard medication, but even that stuff has it's problems. The majority of the work is will power. But part of process is well... inspiration.

When I am inspired, I find it much easier to be able to do concentrate on what I am doing. And it's a self-perpetuating thing... the more I get done, the happier I get and the more inspired I get. It's the same way with programming, drawing and what have you. Of course, it makes it difficult when it comes to doing anything that I get paid for; results aren't expected, they're demanded and on a time table. It's just like the quote from Dune that I like... "Moods are things for cattle and loveplay..." My moods and problems just get in the way.

This is really why I haven't actually published anything yet... in real life. I've got talent in many areas, but when it comes down to it, I need skill just as much as I need talent, to get the job done. And when it comes to times when there is a derth of inspirations... I have to replace it with determination and perseverance. And a bit of meyaouing.

Magazine Shelf

I wonder if it's a common thing, but I've been thinking about the magazine shelf in the average house. What does it tell about a person? I suppose the commmitment to a magazine tells a lot about your commitment to the subject of a magazine.

I was thinking about MY magazine shelf. I used to have stacks of old PC Accelerator magazines (loved that one... it made me laugh, even though they were a bit naughty at times) and other game review magazines. Now... Flash & Flex Developer's Magazine, Microsoft Developer's Network, Oracle's free magazine they keep sending me and so on.

I've been working a lot of hours at my three jobs, but I've also been spending a lot of time with my husband, and "playing" on my own. And doing work on my own too. And reading magazines.

That picture is a picture of a horse I drew once upon a time when I was very stressed and was not a happy kitty. I saw a picture of a horse, and decided to stop everything that was demanded of me, and just stop and draw... do something creative. And suddenly everything was in perspective. That has made this picture very special to me. There is a time and a place for everything. And never get so busy as to leave out a chance for creativity.

Sorry this one was so scattered today. I'll try to do better.

Moving On

I finally did it. I finally walked away from the game that has been such a part of my life for so long. This last night, I deactivated my content ID's. I did go in and visit with my old friends, and killed a few things for the old time's sake, but I was able to walk away.

I guess this is a question every player asks.. Do I need to play this game or do I just want to? I think for a majority of the time, I needed to play the game. It was due to the fact that I met and held so many friendships with so many people online. I never before had such a feeling. And I kept going back more and more for the interaction.

I guess, on it's own, it might sound rather pathetic. But that was the nature of my life with autism, manic-depression, and many other disorders, it was a wonder I could function at all. But the bravery that internet anonymity granted me lead me to greater and greater real life bravery, along with other therapy and medicine.

Which has lead me to the life I lead now. I am married now, and loving every moment of it. I have more friends now, and I am doing very well in my real life endeavors. I have a new job which I love and keeps me busy. I find myself wanting to play games less and less all the time. My interests have just shifted. One time when I had some free time, rather than loggin in, I decided to write a calculator program. Mainly because I had forgotten how to do it, and I wanted to remember the process.

Well, I know by not deleting my characters, it might turn out that I return. But I will leave that for the future to tell. But in the mean time, I leave with this:


If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
if you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Cat,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Cat a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands,
if we be friends,
And Darlene shall restore amends.


Please continue to return to my blog. I will still be writing. And I will love to hear from my old friends. All of them. Too many to count.

Meyaou ^.^

Forenoons and Afternoons For Sale

"If I should sell both my forenoons and afternoons to society, as most appear to do, I am sure, that, for me, there would be nothing left worth living for. "
" They have sent for me, and engaged to pay for me, and I am determined that they shall have me, though I bore them beyond all precedent. "
-Henry David Thoreau Life Without Principle


It's been a long time since I've logged into Final Fantasy. I have to say that I do miss it a great deal. But things have been rough in the real life front since I last played. It's actually pretty good news. In the time when companies are laying off people left and right, I have found myself with not one...but two jobs. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a masochist, I'm not out to punish myself. But what I've learned the hard way is that I need to look to my future, and do the things that I have to do to keep employed. And when it comes to my technology career, I HAVE to keep myself in the field, keeping my hands dirty with the latest and greatest of technologies. So I'm learning and doing new and great things. So my week turns out to be over 50 hours of working at my computer. It doesn't leave me much time to do much other things, so in the end... I usually choose not to login to any game.

But it is kinda funny how it goes with me. I go in cycles. Some days I can't live without one game or movie or what have you. And then all of a sudden, I can't stand it. And I move on to something else. This is how it goes with drawing, writing, reading... just about everything. And my schedule isn't going to stay this way. I will eventually pear down back to one job, and then I will have more time for other things.

I really wish I could share some of the things I have been doing. Some of it is really fun, especially creating Flash movies and really exciting web sites.

I still own my content id's. We'll have to see what happens from here on out. Good luck to all my friends. I hope everyone is well.

Finding the suitable Grind Stone.

"The report of my death was an exaggeration." -Mark Twain, After reading his own obituary, June 2, 1897

Hello everyone.... heaven knows it's been a while. I hazard to say that many people will probably have thought that I quit the game, or something. No, I still own Darlene, and I plan to keep her for some time to come. But at the urging of my good friends.. who I am very greatful for, especially after dissapearing for so long.. I decided to post something about what my life has been about the past few months.

Well, the first thing that happened was that I moved. That's always a disruption, and it took a bit before I could get my own bed setup let alone my computer. And of course the internet had to come somehow. But at that time, I decided to leave my formor job to a new job which made me promises galore about my pay rate, future and standing. And to top it off, they were a fun bunch to work for...and work with. It was a huge step for me, considering I would be working with just one person to being working with hundreds.

And then the shoe fell ontop of my head... they were bought out by a big company, who decided to move everyone to another state. You might wonder why this was a big deal. I mean... just move with the company. I make no shakes about it... if I were a normal everyday woman, it would be possible. But, lets face it... I'm not. I have a hard time with travel, let alone disrupting my life to be away from family and well... everything I know. I'm getting the shivers just typing it. So I'm now at the last days of my formor job.

In any event, from the day that I learned of this eventuality, I started feverishly looking for a new job. And looking. And looking. And looking. I honestly don't know what it is about me, but I keep getting little bites off of recruiters, but when it comes down to getting an interview with someone, I ... don't get one. In fact, in the past six months, I've only had one interview and that turned out into "we don't want you afterall" situation. Gak... I hate rejection... don't you?

So, I am doing the only option left to me. Spending all my time "improving my resume." lol... which amounts to me trying very hard to learn other skills. It has not been easy. And it's been rather painful in some cases. For those who don't know, I'm a software engineer. A carreer that suits me very nicely since it involves dealing mostly with computers than people, but I also happened to be very skilled at it. I've found out that the language of choice that I've been programming in profesionally for the past 14 years or so (dates confuse me so don't hold me to that) is no longer in "Vogue" in the US, so I would have to "branch out." I've been scrambling to learn Microsoft's "C-sharpe" language as well as Sun's Java. So far, I can pass any rudementary proficiency test, but there's still a bunch to learn. What's really funny isn't as much as learning to program in a new language as it is trying to decide what to program in that new language. I mean, if I don't know what I'm making, how will I know if I'm done? (Heck... anyone wanna email me ideas, I'll probably do it.)

And so... that's my story. I'll try to post a few more. I've found a picture I drew back when I was an Angry Teenaged Girl, but I don't have it with me at the moment. It was at a time when I was just as stressed out as I am now, but without the morgage payment to think about.

Anyways... Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou Meyaou

Mada Mada Ikiteru

It's been a while since I've uploaded a new blog entry. It isn't to say that I haven't been doing anything... just been spending more time in real life. LOL.. one of the few times in my life when real life has gotten interesting.

I have joined "The Flock".. an organization dedicated to BST, but more importantly, dedicated to Soloing. And I definatly know a lot about getting xp solo. And of course, the first outting ever with the flock involved... me being faced down dead while everyone killed Despot. Nothing less should be expected, I'd say.

One eventful day, I did "Escort For Hire" solo without using BST. It was just a combination of luck, other people xping and me agroing everything so I could let the NPC pass by unharmed.

But this leads me to the total fun I am having with Ninja. I just love my Kitty Helmet. I meyaou ferouciously at everyone I meet. In fact, I've just barely gotten my Katana skill high enough for the most ausome weapon skill ever: Blade KU.

I know its useless for the most part, but it really fun to look at, and makes your character look really nifty! And why play ninja if you can't strike ausome poses?

I've also been doing a few Besieges... and its funny.. in the same attack, the same ability (Fire Spit) does this to me:

did this to me:

Its always fun. Of course, the higher level besieges seem to be a waste of time anymore. For the same amount of time I could get that much xp by soloing, and a lot more stuff to sell to boot.

Well, the time I've spent killing things to unlock Blade KU and to break the latent effect on my Senji (a really ausome Katana I've been sitting on forever), I have used my NPC Raka a lot more. She's been laying dormant for some time, but now she finally reached level 64! And I can tell she's getting a little obnoxious too... she's starting to steal my kills:

I'm gonna get her for that.

Lets see what happens tonight. Its my Ninja Static night, and I'm really close to 74. This will be fun.

Paragon of Friendship Excellence

I think I decided to take up Samurai mainly because I really wanted to finally have a true damage dealing job. I know I can handle myself well with jobs like Red Mage or Paladin or even White Mage, but by no means do I deal the amazing damage like Theif or Samurai does. I didn't suddenly become a numbers person.. no.. I still play the game for fun. But every once in a while I'd just like to be able to say "yea, I broke 1k damage again today."

Well, getting invites for Samurai has been rough. I started leveling it mostly through my NPC Raka, chaining Toughs and Even Matches in Valkrey Dunes or Gustav Tunnel at different levels. One time I was even asked to tank (I've been informed that Samurai were supposed to be a tank when Zillart came out, but people used Ninja instead. Go figure) with only one death. It's been a fun time, and has given me a chance to level something while I wait for my ninja static to meet.

I really am not sure about how good I'm doing with this job; I think I don't use Meditate enough and I have nothing to really compare my damage with... I mean... only examples I've ever known for Samurai are all level 75, and one is fully merited (it's a bad day when he does under 2k damage...). But I talk everyone's ears off about gear advice and so forth (lol.. I know.. big shocker.. me talking people's ear's off..) so I'm fairly confident that I'm mostly the right things, and I'm having fun with it. And I finally made it to level 50, and it was time for the Artifact Race.

Artifact coffers are a pain in most jobs, and especially bad in some cases. The coffer spots in The Castle Demon Galore is risky even in the easy spots. Garliage Citidel can only be entered with four people minimum. Many spots in Kuftai Tunnel are perminatly guarded by 10 haunts that check as Decent Challenges at level 75. But I consider myself very lucky for the ones I had to do for White Mage, Ninja, Red Mage and Paladin; most of the keys were easy to get, and (except for whm when I was a just starting and made lots of mistakes) was able to use those coffers without much trouble, if a bit of patience. Even ninja, which had Ifrit's Coffee Cup Coffer, I got lucky and found a coffer that spawned around non-agroing monkeys.

Then, of course there is Samurai.. which has the reallly annoying spots. At the start, I really had considered going without AF's for Samurai completly, and just using some of the useful gear that's out there. I then mentioned it to someone who sent me a laugh and said "you can do it with friends." (not exact quote, but you get the idea). That was when I decided to ask people and give it a try. For the first time, I was actually getting excited by the Samurai AF.

Quicksand caves was interesting, since I've often searched out coffers because I used to solo there a lot, but Saras, Skreb and Darthyoda came with me, and when we found the coffer surrounded by Anticans, Saras was able to kill them while I opened it. (I also learned that you cannot open a Quick Sands Coffer with a Kuftai Tunnel Key no matter how much you try. Thanks to Malika for helping me with getting the two keys). Then I searched out Kuftai Tunnel, where I logged in first thing in the morning to find the coffer stuck right in the middle of those said Haunts, and decided to open it and run. Much to my suprise... I lived.

The one that really scared me was the Temple of Uuuuuuuuugggggggg! (I can't spell the name, but I'm sure thats why they named it... the sound you make when getting throat stabbed). I wasn't sure what dropped the coffer keys, but found out I had to goto the legendary part of the zone inhabited by the decimation and thief knife NM's. I was alone (why burden friends when I can easily solo these monsters) so I really didn't want to tangle Tonberries, so I killed Temple Bees and Hover Tanks. This was harder than it looked, since they popped spiradically and were guarded often by those lime colored creeps. What was really funny was the fact that I got the impression that people were trying to Monster-Player Kill me. I fought things at the zone to avoid magic agro, but I kept well out of the way of others. But they kept zoning Bees when I was fighting bees and just stood there getting attacked waiting... And then they zoned that black mage NM which did agro me, so I zoned. In spite of their efforts.. I didn't die (even after getting Flooded) and I got my key.

The next day, I ran to the temple and scoped out the spots. Unfortunatly, all of the coffers spawn in the area where you have to open this wooden gate. And this gate is always surrounded by monsters that agro sight. And most of the spots are past doors that require visibility, a special key or a very special key. (I still don't understand that...) And two of them spawn past the Gate Guardian that always makes me nervous without having stun available. What really shocked me was that even though I walked past the same two Rumbler Crawlers several times without sneak (just invisible) at one point I was suddenly attacked by one, forcing me to zone. Even later, I passed by several of them without sneak by accident, and didn't get agro. It was all too confusing.

To those who don't know, I am constantly looking at my friends list and talking to them. Without even having me ask, both Skreb and Kotsu agreed to come help me find a coffer. Kotsu got there first with Kloud (he cheated being a whm and teleported) and we started the search. The coffer wasn't in any of the easy spots, so we started trying to get the Temple Key from tonberries, when a pair of people came through and killed the gate guardian. So we ran in and did a quick search.. and the coffer was in the Paintbrush room! I had the impossible artifact!

The next thing we did was to run to bastok, and Kotsu, Kloud, Skreb, Gengistwerp, and Madness did the last AF3 quest for the Samurai helmet. Thanks to my friends, I have my Samurai Artifact Armor.

What a horrible game this would be without friends.